That song is on my mind a lot these days.  Because I know that’s what saved me:  God’s amazing grace.  He has literally saved my life more than once.

My name is Tammie and I am recovering from many major life setbacks, from childhood abuse to dysfunctional relationships.  Challenges that left me alone and suicidal.

I never fully understood why my father hurt me so much, so often.  As a child, when I tried to please him, he degraded me and often called me “stupid.”  I believed him because he was my father.  Each time I tried to do something well, it was met with criticism.  His constant criticism made me feel worthless. When I tried harder, the treatment worsened, escalating to physical abuse.

He was a heavy drinker, which only intensified his outbursts of rage. More than once I went to school with both eyes blackened and welts on all parts of my body. 

When I was 15, I was raped by a friend’s older brother.  This resulted in my becoming pregnant. Seeing no other alternatives, I had an abortion. This whole experience was very damaging to me.

Feeling worthless and desperate for acceptance at age 16, I ran away with my boyfriend, driving across the country, not knowing the destination, simply needing to escape. When we were stopped by police at the state line, I was sent back home. My reckless behavior during my teenage years led to a series of car wrecks and other trauma.

For most of my life I have been imprisoned, chained, if you will, by my intense feelings of low self-worth and inadequacy.

My continual need for my father’s approval carried over into other relationships. I did get good at something; I became the consummate people pleaser.  I had learned that the best way to respond to people was to be the scapegoat. This, of course, was very unhealthy. I apologized for everything even though it wasn’t my fault. 

One result of the abuse was that I had no idea what true happiness was. If something was truly good, I ran from it because the feeling was so foreign.

When I was 21 my father died, the victim of a truck driving accident. My response was quick.  Fearful of being alone, I married a man that I had known for only a month. 

We started a family. I had a son within the year and a daughter the following year. Our marriage was really more of a co-existence, with neither affection nor true caring for each other.

Although I was severely depressed, and even suicidal, I loved my children and couldn’t bring myself to end the marriage.  After 23 years, my children went their own way.  My husband cheated on me, and I simply couldn’t take it.  We ended the marriage.

Leaving my husband, and still lacking the self confidence to be independent, I immediately joined up with a man I had just met. I was 43. That relationship was also a rough one: he was mean-spirited, manipulative, and controlling.  He was also addicted to crack cocaine.  I had never taken drugs, but soon learned that using crack guaranteed that he would accept me. Or so I thought.  He did accept me for a drug partner but for little else.  As long as I was with my new man I used cocaine—it was the major focus of our relationship. I knew in my heart that this relationship was wrong, doing whatever it takes to earn his love. I resolved to leave him many times, but those inner voices kept telling me I was worthless and incapable of making it on my own.

A family member knew of a recovery program called OKC Compassion and I called them.  In August of 2009 I met with Pastor Bond and was accepted into their Residential Recovery Program.  This proved to be a life-changing event!  I was surrounded by others recovering from lifetime trauma: abuse, neglect, addiction and other enormous challenges.  And yet there was hope.  They were reaching out for help.

In spite of the wonderful support I received, my boyfriend was still a temptation to me.  In time, I found myself back with him and using crack cocaine. When I realized I had again fallen back into my old patterns, the shame and guilt were overwhelming!

I again began to consider suicide, a thought that had recurred many times since my first attempt at age 16.  This time was different.  I planned the event carefully, certain that it was the only way out. I gathered the combination of medicines and drugs on which to overdose.  On June 10, 2011, I went to a motel room in an obscure town outside of Oklahoma City, telling no one where I was.  I was high on crack and took an overdose of prescription drugs.  I locked the door and went to sleep.

When I was found unconscious, I was rushed to a local hospital.  The staff contacted OKC Compassion, who quickly called my mother and stepfather in Kansas.  They came immediately.   I spent three days in a comatose state while my family and Pastor Bond prayed and cared for me.

When I awoke, I knew, God had saved me yet again!

OKC Compassion’s Recovery Program took me in when I had nowhere to turn. When I had lost everything:  my home, my friends, my self-esteem … The Recovery Program gave me a safe place to begin my long healing process.  And they are still with me today.

 I count my blessings every day.  I am thankful for my mother, who was there for me through so many troubling situations.  Her compassionate spirit is alive in me.  I am blessed by my friends at OKC Compassion who are a daily source of encouragement and support.  My dream is to help others understand that living for Christ today is so much greater than what happened in the past. 

My testimony is this:  I have a life and it has a purpose. I strive to live by Psalms 118:24, “This is a day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.”